Chris Loyd's BlAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHg

It's hard to start a subject only to have a million things on my mind. Keep in your mind, I'm not a happy camper. Chris loves to laugh and smile and have a great time. I don't like it when life lifts up it's skirt and rams it's dick right up my ass. Frankly this action hurts.

You know by now that my left leg has been under some stress with my ankle. Cast, boot, and followed up with therapy which I'm now undergoing.

Then I had to have a tooth pulled on my lower right jaw. This removal took around fifty minutes. Great job done by the dentist for doing the job that he did. But not the most cooperative tooth my dentist has ever pulled. As a matter of fact, he told me that my tooth was the hardest tooth he ever had to extract. Was it really? My vote leans to the side of "he's right". I still hurt.

Now we come to what is really hard to swallow. I've been fired from my job. Not just fired, but fired so my space can now be filled by a lousy, stinking, can't write, country music singer. Which has made me totally not like country music from this point on.

So when do they decide it's time to fire Chris? Right at rush hour. No, we can't fire Chris in the morning when he comes in. Can't fire Chris at lunch. Can't fire Chris in the middle of the afternoon. I got an idea, let's fire Chris when rush hour starts. Good thinking there buddy. Way to go skippy cap. I'm kidding Bill. Please still be my friend.

I would like to thank the management though. Very supportive with letting me go. Glad to hear a lot of people read my blog. Don't want to hurt feelings over there at I Bet I Can Sleep With You, Inc. (And no, not the Lady Enabler. If you only knew. Good for you Brent. If you had half a brain, you'd get legal aid. AND THAT'S SERIOUS!)

I have never really liked country music. Will this help? NOPE! Only in Nashville can a standup comedian get fired only to make room for a wannabe country music singer. God I hate country music!

If you're a employer and reading this....please.....I need a job! I can cook and make pictures of stuff and things. Oh, and I know how to use the two finger thing between words.

I'm once again watching this Gasteneau Girls show. These women are out of their mind!

Why can't tallent be a factor anymore? It seems that people, that have money, can buy their TV show. AND, good for them. I would love to just have a three some with those "women". The younger one, definitely. I would so romp that butt. But the older one, which is the Mother, I would use the leaf grabbing, side of a rake, for pleasure. (After typing that, I just swallowed something hard in my beer. I don't know what it was but I don't think it was natural.)

I find it amazing how women like these inhale and exhale. No. I can't believe that the younger one is so stupid. She is so stupid that after taking a step, she fell. Good hand eye toots.

I think I'm tired of talking about these leeches. I bid you a good night.

I hate being unemployed. Having to read the paper sucks. Will somebody teach me how to read?

I'm on my third beer watching the Busch race on FX. Boy life sure does suck when I don't have to go to work. On the other side, life is REALLY going suck when I'm liquidated. (No pun intended.)
So valued readers, I'm thinking about leaving my next job in your hands. What should Chris Loyd do?

Wow! Now my former employer tells me that I might have hurt some feelings. Out of respect, I would like to envite everyone to enjoy the new "edited" version. It's less "suck it" and more friendly! God knows I don't need kick in the butt every now and then. And I love you Matt. (smooch smooch.)

This past week has just been crappy when it comes to the weather. It's taking a gloomy effect. Went to take a lamp back to Target and pick out another one. As I was leaving I looked at the customer service line and there was a lady holding a pink lamp. I hope that wasn't a sign for my new lamp. I sure could use some sun shine.

....And then at four o'clock it peaked. With a little bit of glimpse. Through the dark clouds it came. Beam after beam, the sun showed through. I like the sun beam. It makes me feel warm. Yep it does.

This weekend was just what I needed. Had two days of back to back sun shine. And how great was that? It was wonderful. I went up to Kentucky to visit with my Mother. Helped her out cleaning part of the garage and making room for her to clean more. Then she fixed a very delicious chicken dinner. Then cleaned more the next day and watched the race where Rusty Wallace, in the number two, Miller Lite Dodge car, finished fifth.
I would go outside and sit on either on the front or back porch and enjoy the country side. Use to be boring. But I found it very relaxing. Now I'm back at home in the big city of Nashville. It's good to be home. And it's good to have a computer back.

"I have passes to the CMT Awards Show with pre party passes and stuff."

Now when you hear this, what do you think? Every pre party I have ever attended has always had food and drinks. And "stuff" just meant extra things I guess. Turns out the pre party was a free country concert on the corner of Fifth and Broad. Big stage and production but I was more on the food and drink side. Forget that.

So with time on hand, we went to have a nice meal before the show. And boy was it good. It's so funny cause I was in "style" with the current trend for the night and when I'm dressed like the performers eating all around us, it was funny to get those "have fun tonight" comments. It was a good time. Off to the show.

We came back to to GEC only to find a really long line that didn't really lead to anything.

So we stood in it. I'll put that down in the learn from experience file. Once the show started I had to pee so bad. We were sitting in the middle of the row in a packed house. The Host of the show was Jeff Foxworthy. He opened up with some funny stuff. Super clean funny stuff. Bad thing, I really had to pee. Commercial Break, every one gets up. I'm gone too.

About an hour later I get back to my seat. I stood in about four lines. One for the bathroom and three for a Bud Light. This time also included a quarter mile trek to the smoking area.

By the time I walked all of the way back from the smoking area, I was wanting another smoke.

Oh, I also think it would be a good idea for food stands to put a sign up saying what they are out of. I had a family reunion infront of me, in this one line, and they wanted the same beer I wanted, pizzas, sausages, hot dogs, the WORKS! All the stand had was soda, pop corn and pretzels. But a big menu though. All I wanted was the beer (that the stand didn't have) that they ordered.

It was a good show. This was an experience more than anything. Every body there had a good time or atleast seemed to. The best thing was it didn't rain! I'm very pleased with that outcome. That would have been a bad walk back to the car. And knowing a couple ways around down town didn't hurt at all. You should have seen the line of cars and trucks sitting in line to turn into a nightmare of traffic. Good show and good times.

It's time to once again pay your dues to Uncle Sam. I paid mine earlier this week and let me tell you. That was the biggest woo hoo I've had in a looooong time. I had five different W-2's to turn in. FIVE! When you need to earn money, you need to work. But with five W-2's, you would think that money is on the way.

I watched the nice older lady enter the totals from each form and they really added up nicely. The computer then did it's big down load. I thought I was spinning the big wheel on Price Is Right. Are you ready for what my refund is? One flipping hundred and fifty nine bucks. I just looked at her for a solid minute or two. Didn't blink, didn't grin or smirk at all. As I looked at her she followed up by asking me if I wanted to donate three dollars to the presidential fund. I swear I about fell out of my chair in a coma.

After paying for the services rendered, I am roughly getting sixty percent back. This is exactly why I don't feel the need filing taxes. I'm not preaching anarchy. I'm just saying. Have a Happy Tax Day everyone!

Maybe this is my next job. My head is killing me. My eyes are crossed. What am I doing typing? Good question. Answer is I'm a hard core, nut head. Here's my plea:

TENNESSEAN, MAKE YOUR WORDS IN THE CLASSIFIED SECTION LARGER, PLEASE.

My aching head. Owe.

B double E double R U N
BEER RUN......

Editor's Note: I found this post from a couple of days ago. I don't know why I didn't hit the right buttons.

Let me say that I'm tired of being at home. I think I'm losing my mind. What is scary is that I was TOLD I was losing my mind a couple of weeks ago.

Day time TV viewing isn't that bad really. Comedy Central has been showing some pretty good shows. Fox News has breaking news every five minutes. The women on these MTV Inferno shows aren't bad to watch (if you know what I mean wink wink) but not too bright. FX likes to show Buffy a whole lot. VH1 won't stop showing the Surreal Life. I love China to death but I'm not a stalker. ESPN 2 does the World's Strongest Man all day it seems with a side of Texas Hold'em. And wouldn't you know it BREAKING NEWS on Fox News. Michael Jackson has a new little lover. This one likes Jello.

Where was I? Oh yeah, TV. It has pictures. Minus the job searching and many a yummy Rolling Rock that's about it for what has been going on. Atleast for what you need to know. (evil laugh)

Past couple of days a couple of neato things happened. First, my car didn't hit another car or any other object but it DID hit 100,000 miles and still trucking like a champ. Secondly, my office chair in my work place at home, now reclines again. It stopped and stuck a few days ago and got whip lash everytime I thought I was going back. And thirdly, MY BLOG IS BACK! How awesome is that?!? Later gators.

I had the greatest night. I had the complete pleasure of being entertained by my friends at The End. Of course, every body did great. The atmosphere was totaly cool. The pollishing touch of the night? Joe Southards did the funniest thing off of the cuff.

Here is the setting: My friends and I were sitting at a nice local establishment next door and when ever the tip bell rang, behind the bar, Joe started shadow boxing like the kangaroo from Bugs Bunny.

I laughed the hardest I've laughed in a long while. I went to the bathroom room laughing

just to get away but I couldn't get the thought out of my head. I kept laughing. (even after

I was done) Person after person came into the bathroom. I had to get back to my table but

I'm STILL laughing about what Joe did.

I sit down back at the table and I'm still laughing. I had a college dude asked me if I was

rolling. It kinda went like this. College dude, "dude, I couldn't help but hear you laughing the way you were in the bathroom. Are you rolling?..." I further explained to him why I was laughing (while I kept laughing) and then he said, "dude, I feel totaly bad for asking you for drugs. I'm sorry."

How about that. I'm still giggling over what Joe did. That was some funny stuff. Thanks again to Chad for driving.

P

THE LOYDED NEWS! I perform them, you get the best of them. Allow me to explain. I really like to drink. Second to all I care for and love. But I like to get more than just hammered. I get LOYDED! Then I write the news. Kinda goes like this:

Japan
Atleast forty nine dead and over four hundred injured in another deadly train wreck.

Ranking, riding a train, the second scariest thing in Japan. Still holding to the top spot?,

GODZILLA!

In Columbia
Almost 14 tons of cocaine was seized by authorities. In a reply form the Columbian Police General, the General stated, (spoken fast) "thank you!".

Mexico City, Mexico
The Mexican President is apologizing for saying that Mexicans working in the United States only take jobs that black people won't take. In a reply, Reverand Jesse Jackson stated, "they are Hispanic, no need to panic, their ignorance is manic".

In South Carolina
The owner of The Ebeneezer Grill claims that his 12 foot, 35 pound weiner was stolen. The owner replied, "now what am I going to do with a 50 gallon vagina?".

FOX NEWS CHANNEL HEADLINE READS:
Stem cells go under house microscope. The LOYDED NEWS creator Chris Loyd responds, "DUH!, how else do you study stem cells?".

In Minneapolis
University of Minnesota's Apostrofy Protection Agency is upset because a street named after them wasn't in a possesive form. University spokes person stated, "even though the apostrofy was left out, please don't pole fun of our friend the colon".

In New York
A former FBI agent, named Deep Throat, has come out of the closet with Vanity Fair for bringing down President Nixon. When reached for comment on his name, Deep Throat replied, "I origonaly was going to be named Hot Carl. Then I realized every one would think I'm full of crap".

And that's the Best Of THE LOYDED NEWS ladies and gentlemen. I'm Chris Loyd, good night.

I just had a heart pumper. I misplaced my keys. Not like misplaced them, misplaced them. But like really misplaced them. I went through every inch of this apartment. Chairs were gutted, the couch was dismantled, I even crawled under my bed. Guess where they were? In my freezer.

Why?, I don't know. But sure did scare the hell out of me.

Reminded me of my old room mate in Kansas City. I knew when Ted got drunk that night.

Because the next morning I would be looking for the remote and I would, ten out of ten times, find it in the ice box. My head is still shaking on that one.

Comments previously posted here before the big server crash:

This old Carlin bit is the first thing I thought of as I read this. Look under the major

heading of LOSING THINGS. Keep reading at least until you get to the part about the keys.

http://www.angelfire.com/mi/HouseofWinn/georgestuff.html

Posted by: Lou at April 29, 2005 06:30 PM

ice box????

Gee Wally I wonder if Chris will join us in this era.......
Well Beav, some guys are behind the times.
It's amazing that he has a blog.
Yep, amazing.

and scene....that's all from antiquated dorky theatre....

Posted by: Kelley at April 30, 2005 03:09 PM

We don't have ice boxes anymore? Golly.

Posted by: Chris at April 30, 2005 07:03 PM

It's Nascar Time is back again ladies and gentlemen! And I'm so glad it happened to be at a restrictor plate race. Not really. Rusty Wallace in the #2 Miller Lite, Dodge car, will be starting in the 20th spot. I've said it before and I'll say it again, Rusty has never done well on these tracks. Restrictor plate tracks and Atlanta. Always a bummer for me to watch.

At least Sunday's race starting position isn't as bad as the DEI (Dale Earnhardt Inc.) cars.

They be waaaaay back there in the line up. Starting in the front spot is Kevin Harvick in the #29 Goodwrench car. Fox's race coverage starts at 11:30AM CST. BE THERE!

Update 1 - 50 laps into the race and Rusty Wallace in the #2 Miller Lite, Dodge Car is in the top 10! Holy crap! See?, being wrong isn't always that bad. Only a couple of single car mis haps so far. Nothing major though. The "BIG ONE" hasn't happened yet. Adam Sandler did a great start command. Now at lap 57 Rusty is 4th. Too much!

Update 2 - 60 laps to go and what a roller coaster. No big wrecks but Rusty Wallace's luck is tippical. Rusty had to stay in the pit for a minute due to a mystery hole under the hood and had to be patched up to keep the engine running right. Then they (Fox) said that Rusty might have clipped another team's crew person, forcing him to the hospital. Nothing solid on that and haven't heard any more of it.

After a crummy 32nd place restart, Rusty is back close to the top 10. Oh the emotions. Lots of lead changes and a lot of safe racing. OH NO! THE BIG BIG ONE HAPPENED! Oh no, hold on.....Rusty is involved. There has to be atleast 12 cars stuck in a pile on the infield.

They can't move. Off the bat, from the first replay, wait onther replay is coming. Nope, I'm right. Dale Jr. is the one. What a heartless rat.

Because of Dale Earnhardt Jr., 25 cars, including Rusty Wallace, is out of the picture. Way to go DICK! You're not your Father and you won't be your Father. Quit trying to race like him. I hope Dale's ego is happy. I'm furious right now. DEI should live in a cloud of shame after that manuver. Dale Jr. was stuck in the middle of everyone. Where was he going to go?

Update 3 - Race is red flagged. Which means everybody is stopped. I'm going to stick to my guns and still blame "Jr.". Were there small factors involved? Sure. Here's irony for you:

Dale Jr. sqeaked through his carnage and is still in the race to win while the others are headed back to their mobiles.

Final update - Jeff Gordon, in the #24 flaming DUPONT car, is your winner. This race was your typical restrictor plate race. I wish Nascar would get rid of those plates. Suck it, Earnhardt. Way to pull a Jimmy Spencer.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. doesn't know the difference between screwing a high dollar whore and racing,

Chris Loyd