Chris Loyd's BlAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHg

I'm about to have a flip out. I haven't had one call for a satellite in three hours. I've been all over the internet and back. I'd go post crazy on the Mangy Dog Forum but that's how I think I ended up here. Not saying it's a bad thing but I'm that dead. Phone rings, someone wants a remote call Dish. Too much man. I need a smoke.

I was just out in our lovely smoking area and on the radio was this guy singing about how he loves his Sundays. And also how he looks forward to this day because he will get to eat chicken and baked beans. What the hell is that? This song is now stuck in my head. Where's my Metallica?

Hate going to court? I KNOW I DO! I'm so flippin' nervous. Bad, bad, bad.

That was fun. (Sarcasm) Law enforcement doesn't find anything practical about peeing on the side of the road. You have to go, you have to go. That moment of relief is now costing me $220! Do you know how many bodily functions I would do on myself for half of that? It's my pee, hell.
I warn you now and listen well, IT IS NOT SAFE TO PEE OFF THE SIDE OF AN INTERSTATE. Just don't do it. I can't believe that's how much it cost, but it did. I really need a beer now. And a box of tissues.

This should be interesting. I do these single people web site things and I was editing out my saved files of turn downs or just needing to review. I saw this one very HOT chick and I did one of those ice breakers. It was the one that says we have a lot in common. Her bio was pretty matching to mine. And again she is HOT.
I need to pay more attention. I mean she was so hot I obviously didn't even think to look at her title. A hottie and the guy (me) could smoke and drink and she likes other stuff too. Or doesn't care. Her title is woman seeking woman. This could be a good thing or a horribly mistaken thing or something. She's hot though.

Ladies and Gentlemen!, get ready for the first pre-Daytona 500 race to start off the season. Strong players will be in the field this year. Of course my favorite is the driver of the #2 Miller Lite, Dodge car, Rusty Wallace. And yes, it's Rusty's last year racing on the oval track. (Boo hoo and on with it.) Any way some of the other driver's to look for are Jimmie Johnson, Jeff Gordon, Mark Martin, Dale Jr., Ryan Newman, Dale Jarrett, Kurt Busch, and a few more.
I have some dislikes and some very strong dislikes. Oh the dislikes.
Speaking of dislikes, let's talk about Jimmy Spencer shall we? Jimmy Spencer is like this big, fat, som'bitch, wreck causing of a Nascar "driver". Over the years of watching driver's evolve and become better at their driving skills, I get to watch Jimmy Spencer drive himself back to the dirt tracks. Let's just say that I don't care of this guy at all.
Saturday night on Fox at 7:00pm the action will begin. See you all there!

Last night's race was fun to watch. Is was good to see everything was "meant" to be kept clean. Sorry to see Rusty Wallace not finish to well. The Daytona 500 is the first race to kick off the season and anyone who is a Rusty Wallace fan accepts the fact that Daytona is not a strong track for Rusty and never really has been. But there are drivers, that can just bitch slap this track and back, that can't do anything under a mile long track. Or a road track as well.
Today at Noon, I'm pretty sure that's when, qualifying will start on Fox for the Daytona 500 coming up this Sunday the 19th. Less than one hour away so time to get to drinkin'.

If there is anyone reading this and you are doing that online dating-finding "others", wishing for a non imaginary person, that is attractive, that talks to you, I'm talking to you. Just stop it. Stop the pain now.
I'm now thinking I need to buy or encourage someone to write a book called, "How to Land A Date With Yahoo!Singles.com for Dummies".
I'm also thinking that this online dating thing is possible. I'm just not sure how. I click on the picture. I see what "we" have in common. I respond with something like "wow, you're cute", or "we have a lot in common". I'm not retarded, eeeehhhhh! Bother.

What a title, huh? Tomorrow is the final attempt to qualify for the Daytona 500. Rusty Wallace, in the #2, Miller Lite, Dodge car will race in the Gatorade Duel Heat 2. How fitting is that? Rusty will start in the 8th spot. Rusty's speed during qualifying, last Sunday, was fast but none of the cars that qualified after 3:00 were as fast as the drivers that ran earlier that day. Something about the wind kicking in after 3:00. (Their time)
What bites is that I'm like a couple of days from my sick time to start. Enjoy for all of you that get to stay home or that are unemployed. And be sure to drink. Drink heavily. I know I do!

Since I wasn't able to view the races today, I was limited to the internet at work for my updates. Nascar has it's first idiot to ruin it for Rusty Wallace.
As I was going down the list for the race on Sunday, I noticed I was going down a whole bunch. I got to 25th and thought surely not and scrolled back up to make sure I didn't miss Rusty. Well I didn't and went back down past 25th and saw Rusty starting in the 36th spot. And several other front runners of Heat 2.
So I clicked on recap only to find out that 2 months off, from racing, is not enough to calm tempers. Thank you Kevin Harvick. Bone head.

I was on this one singles website and I clicked on this FYI for dating. (What does an FYI on a dating site stand for?: "Funk You Idiot.) The FYI said that the average internet dater spends ten hours of surfing before they get kissed. TEN HOURS??? I've been surfing so long and clicking on stuff I should be having sex with a Nun by now! Ten hours, that's all. Thank you for that God awefull math calculating. I need a beer.

(To the tune of the 99 bottles of beer song.)

About 45 minutes till I can drink beer,
45 minutes till beeeeeeer,
One minute just went by,
44 minutes are left,
Beer beer beer,
Beer beer beer,
Beer beer beer beeeeeer.
(And maaaanyyyyy moooooore!)

What a fun night I had. First got to perform at Ashland City's Truth Beauty and Goodness Cafe. Then off to Zanies to enjoy of laughs. When we parked at Zanies it wasn't too rainy. Just some sprinkles. But after the show it didn't go too well.
My friend, that I was with, had some heals on. I was off to get the car. The car, that I parked, was in mud. "No, wait. I'll get the car out", I said.
Not one step further and swoosh! Mud bath for one please.
Because knowledge is power.......why? Because I like booze and NOT mud dammit.
By the way, (BTW for those) don't forget to get sweetly drunk and enjoy the Super Bowl of Nascar. The Daytona 500 with your 2005 champion, Rusty Wallace! A few...hours....away...I need sleep.

Last night at the Bar Car I perfomed a topical type of News set that I enjoy very much. To end the set, I did a joke about this one guy that planned to kill President George W Bush and in a response, insane Federal Prisoner John Hinckly was quoted saying, "woo hoo!, jelly beans!". Then to make it crazier, like one flying over the cuckoo's nest style crazy, I ran into the wall "head first" and was "knocked out" from the impact.
Well, I have good news and not so good news. My set, I felt, went just fine. That was the good news. The bad part is that I really made hard contact with the front of my head against the wall. Then, as I fell, I really made contact with the back of my head and the stage. That's two boomers I didn't "plan on".
I'm glad I've had a concussion before so I know what it feels like. These things suck major ass. Good 'ol head trauma. The good thing is that before the after effects kicked in, I was having a great time. What's the lesson here? Dunno. But man oh man, we had a great show.

I have heard and heard and heard about this show, so I watched it. First I will say that this show is nutty. I would rather watch American Idol. I do not like American Idol just because of that one pricky judge.
Yes, these ladies are rather attractive. BUT!, the Mom obviously had a lip job done. And on that note, my lips must have a street value of atleast $25,000.
After watching the show I have realized that I'm one step closer to not liking females. I hope to God that not all money soaked women are like this.

This is a good one.
So I'm sitting in my chair, with my legs crossed, using my computer kinda like I'm doing now. My leg was numb and going to sleep and I really had to pea. As quick as I stand up, here comes the floor. Pain? I was like what the hell just happened? I look down at my ankle and I'm watching it turn into the size of a soft ball. That was wild.
Off to the emergency room for Chris. On a personal note, I would love to thank the entire staff and Summit Hopital. You guys were great. And they laughed at my jokes. Anyway, I have to go to the orthopedic people this Wednesay. They took x-rays of my ankle only to find that with all of my torn and streched out ligaments and tendons, they couldn't even see my ankle bone part. I told you this was a good one.
I came out of there with some new material, and a script for Mepregan so that was nice. These pills are fun. Oh, the doctor asked me if I was an alcoholic. I said (jokingly) that I was a functional alcoholic thank you very much. He didn't even grin.
Now I am grounded to my second floor, no walking on my left foot for atleast forty-eight hours. This sucks so bad. But I do get lay around and be really lazy. More updates as they come.

With all of the spare time I spend saying the word "ouch", another Asian child makes a $500.00 hand bag. (That's a lot of purses.) This bites total ass. All I can do is lay around and think. When I have nothing good but to lay around and think, nothing good pops up in my head. Just the bad things and the bad things and the bad things, oh and those bad things. Maybe I should think of the good of my most recent past happenings.......
Nope, it sucks.
I did watch a lot of TV today. Hoo flippin ray! I don't like this handicap thing bit at all. I'm a big guy that likes to move around freely. I like to go where ever I want to when I want to. This sucks major ass. Being all held up and stuff.
My big big big problem of them all is that I might not get to perform for a while. This is such a set back to me. All I can do is think about that. Errrrr mother flippin' errrrr.
It turns out that I get to spend another day at home tomorrow. I'm out of straight razors. Maybe some one can run some by?
BUT , I did get to watch this day time talk show where this gal came up for the twenty second time to find out that this guy was not the father of her child. I did get a chuckle out of that.
And a friend of mine did happen to give me a laugh for the day. But that was about it for the day. Thank you Jesse. I would also like to thank another friend for lending me his ear through out this weekend of hell. That's what friends are about.
Hate breaking body parts? I know I do!
Tomorrow night will be the "first", made for TV, open mic at the Bar Car. I will miss all of my other friends. I feel like I'm missing on so much. But who knows? I might get a short bus taxi to get me around. Orrrr.....?